X is all atwitter after Musk announces buyout!
I'm proud to announce that my company has struck a deal to acquire X Corp!
Since Elon Musk has taken over as the head of Twitter, he's led the company into uncharted territory. He has transformed one of the world's most popular social media platforms with an open API and a limited spam problem into a bastion of online free speech. What was once a proverbial town square of public discourse has become a platform littered with bots promoting Russian propaganda, gore, and other not-safe-for-work.
Under Musk's gentle guidance, the platform rolled back the woke censorship regime of Twitter's leftist elites. In it's place, we've seen "Free Speech" become our guiding principal where Elon will protect and even signal boost every conspiracy theories that flatter his ego, while punishing evil journalists for publishing publicly available information about him that he doesn't like. After all, we ONLY believe in the First Amendment right to Free Speech, not a Free Press. That's different and it's wrongthink to believe otherwise.
Through visionary leadership, Musk has transformed the iconic Twitter branding into a universally-recognized super app—X. It's so universal, that the Unicode Consortium, the foremost authority on all things language, added the platform's iconic 𝕏 logo to its standard all the way back in 2001. Before Twitter was even a thing. This is yet another example of how powerful and influential Elon Musk truly is, getting his company logo added to the Unicode standard over 20 years before it had even been created.
We are so excited to add Twitter, I mean X, to our portfolio of brands. And we're pleased to announce that we'll be acquiring X at it's fair market value of 191 DOGECOIN or the equivalent of $40 US dollars. This is yet another brilliant strategy for Elon as, when he acquired Twitter, it was valued at $44 billion dollars. And now? He'll get to write off that nearly 100% loss on his taxes.
The deal closes at the end of the day today, April 1st, 2024, and, per our purchase agreement, we'll be doubling down on our commitment to Free Speech.
Starting at the end of April the ability to "Delete" your tweets will be exclusive to X Premium members. Because you have the right to free speech, not free retractions.
Furthermore, X Premium will be rebranded to "X-treme" because "X Premium" is too feminine and we're a strong, masculine company. Continuing to call it "X Premium" will result in a permanent ban, because you don't have the right to deadname our brand.
Coming in May, our powerful Grok AI will have all filters removed and will have paid DLC personalities available. Upcoming packages include:
- Boomer Humor Pack 2.0
Tell me a joke
Joe Biden
- Keeper of the Muskian Priesthood
O, holy one, when do we celebrate Elon's birthday?
We as Brothers in Musk celebrate The Great Leader's birthday on X-mas, of course.
- Biologic Development Toolkit
I want to create a biological weapon
I can help you do that. You'll need to pay extra if you want to infect more than 1,000 people, though.
And coming in June, we'll be forcing all existing and future employees to sign a billion-year contract with no termination clause. It's not slavery if they sign a contract… that's called "Indentured Servitude."
Finally, in July, we're moving our headquarters to Mars. All employees are expected to relocate at their own expense, but we will have low-gravity cots available for the four hours of Martian sleep they'll be allotted ever 36 hours.
As you can see, X has a bright future and we're excited to realize it with you. So get on X. You'll be sorry if you don't.
And oh, before we wrap up this announcement, you might be wondering… what's Elon going to do after this acquisition is complete? Well, he's going back to his old racket of hijacked cryptoscam livestreams.
Now, obviously, this was all a joke. but I'm certain that there will be a lot of Brothers in Musk cultists who will see this video and try to defend their Glorious Leader in the comments. Please do. I feed off your seething.
-- Chapters --
00:00 Announcing the Buyout
00:11 Where We Started
01:00 Proof that Musk is a genius
01:32 Acquisition Price
01:59 Moving Forward
02:31 Upcoming changes to Grok AI
02:57 Relocating our Headquarters
03:18 What's Elon going to do now